11.01.15 (Day 384)
13.42
Do we all belong somewhere? I don't mean a geographical, physical location but a place where you feel at home, even if you have nowhere to actually live.
I've spoken previously about not belonging where I am, even though I'm made to feel welcome and at home. I'm grateful beyond my ability to express gratitude; overwhelmed almost but I don't belong.
Where I do belong though is with one particular person. She's not featured much in this blog as she's been in the background for the best part of the last year, popping up occasionally, usually unexpectedly and out of the blue but always a pleasant surprise. She's popped up again and gone a bit further this time, into my life.
I'm in a relationship. It's complicated, there's an element of convenience involved and a degree of having a relationship as a coping mechanism. We're going about things in the opposite way to that which tradition would dictate: going out together first, then getting to know one another. But we know one another already as we go back some time. We're both relationship dependent but relationship averse at the same time. We want a relationship but don't want to jump in with just anyone for the wrong reasons. We're together but we're waiting for each other. We're where we belong.
It benefits us both. For my part - among other things - it means that certain parents of teenage girls might finally realise that I don't have designs on their daughters. I never did. They always came to me. For help. Help which those parents didn't provide. Those same parents who took all of their kids' means of communication away and imprisoned them; stifled them. One of those teenagers only had a blog to communicate with the outside world but even that was taken away from her. She now has no means of expression. You are killing your kids: look what the cat brought in.
So for your information, my other half is of a similar age to mine. She is roughly the same age my junior as the young ones who follow me are in years. Some of the teenagers idolise her. Others are simply in awe of her for many reasons. She's a legend and she's very, very fit. But I just love her unconditionally for what she is.
Doesn't make sense does it? Well it does to us. And of all the people either of us could get into this sort of relationship with, it's each other: me with her and vice versa. It's based on trust: the foundation of any relationship. It's based on patience: another cornerstone. Unconventional, perhaps but it works and me and the other half of this work. We have in the past and anyone who knows me well will know exactly of whom I speak and will also know that it's right as we belong together. A bit of a volatile combination and there have been fireworks in the past but all who have met her know she's a legend and that we belong together.
The very first time we met was on a bench. It was a brief encounter and as she departed, she turned, smiled and waved. I didn't know if I'd ever see her again but she came back into my life and some of what happened then is part of local legend. Well, she's back and we're back. I'm happy and secure; she says she is too. It's baby steps but like that first wave, this is like waving a loved one off on a train and knowing that they'll be back; that they're there for you and that you're together.
We're a means to an end and at the end of every good story, they lived happily ever after. I'm just waiting for that train to come back in. She knows I'll be here where she belongs and I know that wherever she is, I belong too.
13.42
Do we all belong somewhere? I don't mean a geographical, physical location but a place where you feel at home, even if you have nowhere to actually live.
I've spoken previously about not belonging where I am, even though I'm made to feel welcome and at home. I'm grateful beyond my ability to express gratitude; overwhelmed almost but I don't belong.
Where I do belong though is with one particular person. She's not featured much in this blog as she's been in the background for the best part of the last year, popping up occasionally, usually unexpectedly and out of the blue but always a pleasant surprise. She's popped up again and gone a bit further this time, into my life.
I'm in a relationship. It's complicated, there's an element of convenience involved and a degree of having a relationship as a coping mechanism. We're going about things in the opposite way to that which tradition would dictate: going out together first, then getting to know one another. But we know one another already as we go back some time. We're both relationship dependent but relationship averse at the same time. We want a relationship but don't want to jump in with just anyone for the wrong reasons. We're together but we're waiting for each other. We're where we belong.
It benefits us both. For my part - among other things - it means that certain parents of teenage girls might finally realise that I don't have designs on their daughters. I never did. They always came to me. For help. Help which those parents didn't provide. Those same parents who took all of their kids' means of communication away and imprisoned them; stifled them. One of those teenagers only had a blog to communicate with the outside world but even that was taken away from her. She now has no means of expression. You are killing your kids: look what the cat brought in.
So for your information, my other half is of a similar age to mine. She is roughly the same age my junior as the young ones who follow me are in years. Some of the teenagers idolise her. Others are simply in awe of her for many reasons. She's a legend and she's very, very fit. But I just love her unconditionally for what she is.
Doesn't make sense does it? Well it does to us. And of all the people either of us could get into this sort of relationship with, it's each other: me with her and vice versa. It's based on trust: the foundation of any relationship. It's based on patience: another cornerstone. Unconventional, perhaps but it works and me and the other half of this work. We have in the past and anyone who knows me well will know exactly of whom I speak and will also know that it's right as we belong together. A bit of a volatile combination and there have been fireworks in the past but all who have met her know she's a legend and that we belong together.
The very first time we met was on a bench. It was a brief encounter and as she departed, she turned, smiled and waved. I didn't know if I'd ever see her again but she came back into my life and some of what happened then is part of local legend. Well, she's back and we're back. I'm happy and secure; she says she is too. It's baby steps but like that first wave, this is like waving a loved one off on a train and knowing that they'll be back; that they're there for you and that you're together.
We're a means to an end and at the end of every good story, they lived happily ever after. I'm just waiting for that train to come back in. She knows I'll be here where she belongs and I know that wherever she is, I belong too.
I've been following your blog for a few months, having been guided here by someone who was incredulous at your lack of insight into your own behaviour.
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts often seem disjointed which might be a symptom of how you have chosen to live. Every now and then, possibly when you're at a low point, you show a flash of awareness but for the most part it seems a place to belittle others for their lack of understanding/patience with you and others. You often denigrate the work of parents who you feel aren't doing the best by their children, when yours have essentially been abandoned by you. You may well lack the skills to be a good parent and that may or may not be your fault but maybe you should remember that the people you often slate are likely doing the best job they can. Attacking them with your words doesn't lessen the damage you have left behind with your own kiddies so maybe you could try showing some of the understanding you seem to wish you had from others and get off your high horse which isn't all that high.
Good luck finding your way.
You make some valid points and I've learned a lot during my time writing this blog. As it stands now, all the hatred and vitriol is out and I'm concentrating on more creative writing: Four short stories published so far and a novel in progress.
ReplyDeleteAs I've seen fit to emerge from the shadows, would you care to give me a clue to your identity or that of the person who guided you here?
No-one you know as far as I'm aware. A friend of a friend of a...
ReplyDelete