Books in bags, bags in books

THE WRITER'S LIFE

Having completed a few individual writing projects as a freelancer, I've gained a new regular client. I feel much more justified calling myself a professional writer now that it's not just selling my own stuff. But I do sell myself, baggage included: Baggage full of books.

The pay is poor in a very competitive marketplace but as a freelancer, I can choose the projects which most interest me, and it all goes to building my writer profile on the out-sourcing agency sites.

I've found my feet quite naturally as an active freelance writer because it really just boils down to simple business acumen. I've run businesses, I hated them and I fucked them up with my drinking. Now that I'm effectively able to run myself as a sole trader, I can think of that as a separate entity. With a brain as fragmented as mine, it's easiest to just separate the parts.

So in the last few weeks, when I've been a little unsure of where my life was, I've cracked it. I've won battles, mainly with myself, or the various parts of me in conflict. Whereas with previous ventures I had partners, this one I've had to do alone, as a team. I've achieved my current position by dividing myself up: The pseudonym who writes the work I publish under my own name, and the freelance work I do for clients, where I'm just a ghost.

Then there's the third person: The one who manages it all. And I've found that to be the real me. Over the last couple of weeks, I've written profiles of the writer; I've made changes to my website, my social media pages and how it all links up; I've arranged everything on my laptop in the same way I would a small business.

I've produced an entity, which is what a business is. I'm marketing and selling that writer, gaining work, referrals and all the things I hated when I had a limited company. But this is just me (as a team).

Of course, all of this doesn't necessarily fit with the professional profile which I try to convey with my writer entity in other media. But that entity is me, however fragmented. I firmly believe that people buy from people and if clients wish to hire me, they get all the luggage. This game is about personal relationships anyway. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so it's a job which suits me. And this is my blog after all; My personal diary; My sounding board, when I have no-one but myself and my readers around. If my frankness motivates anyone, that's a bonus.

Right now, I have some articles to write for freelance clients. One is about learning Spanish through Spanish music. Another is a blog entry for a romance author: I love the variety. And it pays.

Later, my pseudonym will continue to write the next short story to be published under my name, provisionally entitled "The box we made":

...Life had been very much a game of give and take: If George had taken something, then he was indebted to someone else. If he received something and it wasn't in recognition of anything he'd done, he was in somebody's debt. When he gave something, he expected nothing back...

The third person in the strange trinity which makes up me, is me. I won my benefits appeal today. A Pyrrhic victory perhaps but recognition of my brand of depression as a disability, after a long battle. The tribunal panel were aware of me being a writer because I'd have a pretty tough time keeping it a secret with the online presence I've built. I have permitted levels of earnings whilst in receipt of benefits and my writing is recognised for the therapy which it provides.

Writing is in my heart. It has been said by a sub-editor of a publishing company that I write from the heart; That I have an incredible authorial voice. And that's what's made me what I am. Whether I'm any good is subjective but the proof of what I've done is the public image.

All in all, I'm back in charge of my life because I know where it's going: I'm a writer getting paid, partly through state finance to manage my mental illness in the most cost-effective way: Self-therapy.

I'm a writer, a copywriter and a ghostwriter. My work is being praised by private clients and I'm only able to write in the way I do because I'm me; baggage and all.

Books full of baggage; Writing which carries weight.